Happy New Year...What the F@%K ever!!!!

Happy New Year…What the Fuck ever!!!

Now BigGirlz hopefully you made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas and survived the barrage of questions relating to “singlehood” and all of its glory or dreadum. Now, the last hurdle is before us, New Year’s Eve…how freaking lovely!!!

Any given week can be a lonely or even downright depressing time when you’re single but add the numerous invitations to various New Year’s Eve parties and one could easily find themselves ready to lose it or better yet lock themselves away until January 2nd.  Although hiding may be a tempting solution, you’ll still remain in a lonely dark state wishing time would quickly pass; knowing time only passes quickly when you’re having fun or on a work break.

 

So how do you get through this…first you have to change your attitude?  Loneliness is a state of mind. Now I can easily direct you to the plethora of cliché ish events that are deemed fulfilling at this time of year. You know them: volunteer at a homeless shelter or nursing home. How about going to a children’s home or hospital and bring joy to the little ones…blah blah blah. All of that is wonderful, but really?

 

Realistically, we all can get pretty self-absorb and somewhat overwhelmed with handling our emotions this time of the year. So as I started above, you have to change your attitude. Being single on New Year’s Eve is NOT the end of the world although if the Mayans had been correct none of this would matter huh? Anyway if being single at New Year’s is the worst thing about your life than honey I need to trade places with you (I pass on that).

BigGirlz the choice you make this evening could very well set the tone for 2013.  How will you fill the void?

Now you can ALWAYS go to church. Of course I’m going to start with that first.  Pick a place pick a time. That’s a no brainer.

If you’re just not feeling the church thing (ok super saved saints this excerpt ends here for you) call some of the girls and have an impromptu DrinkFest. Everyone bring your favorite poison and drink until you don’t know what day it is or don’t give a damn. I say drink until you don’t give a damn.

If that’s not tugging at ya then (ok super saved, you REALLY need to shut it down for real) make that infamous phone call. You know the one. You really don’t like him but at least he knows how to “fill your void”.  Call him, who gives a shit. He will either say yes or no. If the answer is no then you might want to give the DrinkFest another chance.

In either case get the fuck over it. Its one damn night. We are on the cusp of a brand new start. Know that if you make it thru the night and can open your eyes to see 2013, you’ve just been given a pass or a “do over” if you will. It’s time to clean out your mental closet of regrets, inhibitions, “shouda coulda woulda” and every pitiful whiny-ass excuse you used in 2012.  If that means you need to get rid of some people then dump his or her mentally draining ass. It’s not that you don’t love them but at some point you need to learn and start loving yourself more. Let’s get it cracking for 2013. I figure I have another shot at getting it right this time around.

I’ve been told a million times; what you do on the first day of the year is a great indicator as to how it will flow for the remaining 364 days.  Don’t know how you feel about that but…

My plans this evening are real simple: and early church service and a date with my couch. I have a stack of movies I’ve wanted to watch. Damn the rest of that mess, it’s all about me tonight.  Loving my BIGGIRLZ single life.  Find some joy ladies and remember it starts within.

Moving on to the next with a Heineken, bowl of popcorn and the remote…See ya next YEAR!!!

BEWARE: Fall Cling Cometh

BEWARE: Fall Cling Cometh

Well BigGirlz it’s that time of year again where frosty mornings and chilly evening remind folks that winter is on the way.  It also reminds the single that now is the time to find a warm body to nestle with for the winter thus, Fall Cling.

Now let me back track a little for those who are unfamiliar with the “cycle”. The cycle is the mating/dating phase started by men (but perfected by women). Sorry guys, it’s a given if you create something, a woman will ALWAYS find a way to improve or perfect it.  Lol...deal with it!  This cycle which begins with Fall Cling and ends around March or April with Spring Release is a known tactic used by what I will refer to as a “Clinger” to get thru the lonely cold winter months. Now you may say “Why Not? What’s wrong with a little companionship to get you thru those long cold winter nights?”  Absolutely nothing as long as you know going in what’s the real deal.  Roll with it. Just keep your head and don’t get all caught up.

Now for those BigGirlz who are unsure if that is what is currently happening in your world, here are a few signs to keep in your back pocket.

 

1.      NOTICE: As mentioned earlier, when the air begins to chill the thought of companionship seems to move to the forefront of thought.  So the search begins to find someone you can deal with or at least someone willing to warm the body, like a good cognac, for about 6 to 8 months.  With that, the phone begins to ring a little more than usual. The opposite sex seems to be a bit more attentive to your every move. That same person whose path you cross on a regular basis not only says “Good Morning” but now wants to hold a conversation with you. That is a sign of Fall Cling.

So you say “what the hell” and go with it.  Once again keep in mind what you may be getting into. The two of you talk and before you know it a relationship (and I use the term loosely) seems to bud.

 

2.      CAUTION:  Things begin to progress and all is fine.  By now, you’re on your way to the holidays. You may even meet a few family members and friends on the way. That is normal progression/concealment. This is experienced Clinger behavior. You will be lulled into thinking things are good between the two of you. 

 

3.      WARNING: This is where you separate the inexperienced from the experienced Clinger.  It’s Christmas. Both types of Clingers if smart and most of them are, will give you an appropriate gift. Not too sentimental but given with thought. Now, here is the difference between the two.  The experienced Clinger will take you to the major family or friend holiday gathering. Note you will be introduced but as his “friend”, not girlfriend just friend. Don’t be offended; remember you were warned from the beginning. The inexperienced Clinger will tell you about the function and down play it by saying things like, “yeah, I’ll probably stop by just to say hi on my way to be with you” or “I have to make an appearance so they won’t trip and then I’ll head your way”.  You get what I’m saying… You will not be attending this little soiree; you're not invited.

 

4.      BEWARE: New Year’s Eve.  Truly a laughable moment; the inexperienced will spend the time with you thru midnight but meet his/her crew afterwards.  The experienced Clinger will take you out. Nothing extravagant but a relatively pleasant evening. In your gut, something doesn’t feel quite right. Don’t shrug it off.  Trust it is the beginning of the end.

5.      EXPLOSION: End of January beginning of February, you will notice little tiffs and arguments begin to escalate with an annoyance factor starting to fester.  And then Valentine’s Day hits like a brick. The gift, if  you receive one SUCKS! There’s the big blow out fight that was planned since day one. Operation Spring Release is right on track.

And what happens next, you both decide to give each other some space. As a general rule you continue talk a little but not very much. Just enough contact in case there is another harsh cold snap. LOL!  Then before you realize it winter is over and spring is starting to peek thru the dreary sky.

6.      DONE DEAL:  Talks have ended and you both have gone your separate ways. WTH... Spring Release has arrived. You have been relieved of all duties in the Clinger's life.

 

BigGirlz, don't let get ya down. It is what it is... Some shit happens because we ignore the signs and continue on hoping for the best.  The other side of that, we jump in thinking we can handle the situation and forget our heads.

If you have a sexy BigGirlz swagger and got it going on, be ye warned you are a target.  Flirt and flip the table. Remember you can control this and use it to your benefit.  As for me, screw Fall Cling, I'm too busy to play this year!

I'm moving on to the next one with a big ass bottle of Courvoisier and an electric blanket!!!  LMAO...

 

Ghetto or Snob?

Has it come to this? Have I become a snob?

Some people live by a different standard. What some of us consider as “Ghetto” is just a normal way of life for others.  Maybe it’s a simple lack of exposure to different options. The Ghetto comes in (my opinion) when the individual refuses to be open to or acknowledges the possibility of viewing/doing things differently. Where am I going with this?  BigGirlz, there are occasions where we will meet a person who is not “quite” our match (or you may not be theirs but that’s a story for another day). Someone who in our eyes, may need “some work”. Dealing with this very issue recently gave reason for me to reflect on my desires/dreams and mate expectations. Can I handle dating someone who considers Texas Roadhouse to be an upscale restaurant? One who thinks a fresh clean white tee, jeans and Timberlands to be the perfect attire for a first date? (Oh it gets better) One who’s pre dinner cocktail is a double deuce taken to the head via a brown bag? 

I realize that not everyone has been blessed with the opportunities that couple with life exposure but “What The Hell”?

Yep, snobville is on the way!!!
 
I decided “Hell Naw” I can’t do it! I refuse to put in the work of exposing, cleaning, working on, fixing (ok shit) crude attempt at changing someone to meet my needs.  NO! Let the next chic fix him up and send him my way. Over the years I’ve done my share (probably more than my share) of “broadening” the next man’s horizon. Damn, I’m tired.  That’s my decision and I’m sticking with it. LOL!!

So BigGirlz, you have to know from the beginning what you are willing to do in order to find that happy place with the person you’ve decided to date. Who knows, things may not be as bad as they appear. He could be open to learning and growing but know you cannot force someone to change.

As for me, NOPE, I’ve thrown away my teacher’s hat.  If you are a grown ass man and you don’t own at least one tie, a nice shirt and a pair of “creasable” slacks, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! Realizing that owning those things don’t exempt you from being Ghetto, at least it may seem that you have a flipping clue.

Bottom line BigGirlz, know your limits. I accept me for me. Although I may need to check what kind of signals I’m sending, because damn I seem to meet some “interesting” folks. Anyway, am I perfect? Absolutely not but I’m evolving.  I love being exposed to new things. Have I ever been Ghetto, I’m sure and by someone else standards may be considered that now.

In either case I’m moving on to next one with a can of Ghetto Repellent in my hand!

Friends don't let Friends Drunk Dial

Friends Don't Let Friends Drunk Dial!

 

Ha! Ha! Can I just say that "Alcohol is a Beast", that booze and boredom can be a lethal combination? BigGirlz DON'T DO IT!!!

I can recall having a "Girlfriend" discussion regarding the "Stupid Shit" we do or have done once an evening of liquor infused fun comes to a close. Most agreed that upon finally making it safely home all they wanted to do was quietly crawl in bed and plunge into the land of sleepdom, in hopes that "praying" to the porcelain god or a spinning room would not be a part of the evening's closing festivities. Others reveled in the thoughts of wreaking havoc on the lives of exes that have fallen by the wayside by sexting him or the one that didn't quite make the cut when it came time to elevating his presence to a respectable relationship status. In either case both seemed at the time to be worthy choices while blindly fumbling through a hormonal drunken stupor.

As we laughed at each others version of the perfect ending to a perfect night of partying, we all had to agree that Drunk Dialing is NEVER a good idea. Why? (You really need to ask?)

1.      As we all are aware, liquor has a tendency to "jack up our judgment". In the words of Rapper Ludacris "If I have one mo drink, I'm gon end up f*#king you"

2.      There is a tendency to shed our inhibitions as well as "precautionary" measures

3.      Is it really worth "regurgitating" yes I said “regurgitating” past feelings for him for even him for you, for a couple of hours of pleasure(OK you're drunk so you might be good for an hour or so...lol)

4.      Do you really want to use your energy dodging his ass via text, Twitter and Facebook?

BigGirlz I know it will be tempting to just say screw it and do it anyway! BUT DON'T!

Now this is where all of the good girls need to stop reading...

To the rest, if you know Drunk Dialing is your typical MO then my suggestion is this...

Make your calls or send your text BEFORE you start drinking. Why? (Really? again?)

1.      You can't blame it on the Alcohol

2.      You're both "prepared" no excuses

3.      There is time to come to a clear understanding/agreement that this is just sex. (Come on now if you’re going to play grown folks games then damn it be an adult about it)

4.      Be prepared to live with whatever happens.

I'm not promoting promiscuity, but if you can plan and handle it sober there "shouldn't be any regrets the morning after. Deal with it!!

Moving on to the next one with just one glass of wine (this time)!

He's an EX for a REASON!

Ladies, he's an Ex for a reason. Often times the opportunity to reconnect with a past Like/Love will rear it's twisted head. It "seems" to occur at just the prime time when you are alone or should I say between relationship or even worst when you're experiencing the dreaded "dry spell".  Its during these times when a familiar voice from the past (depending on the type of break-up and the length of lapsed time) sounds pretty good. Think about it, it's familiar and more than likely the entire relationship wasn't horrible, just the intolerable parts (ha ha).  In any case selective memory kicks in and suddenly the bad times don't seem so bad now.  DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!


I'm not saying in a second chance could never work; however we must view this potential reconciliation with unclouded and non-nostalgic eyes.


If considering another go at it Biggirlz, here are a couple of tips to guide and defog your thinking

1. Realistically recall what ended the relationship. Was it an unacceptable behavior, infidelity, abuse... Side note (strictly my opinion) NEVER return to an abusive partner. Abuse is a disease that's extremely difficult to cure or heal. Don't put yourself or your support system through that again.  You made it out once, don't press your luck. Did you grow apart or did the partnership deteriorate?  No matter the reason, reflect truthfully
2. Run your desires past your true BFF. By "true" BFF I mean the one that can recall your "venting" sessions down to the most minuscule point. It's the BFF that will give it to you straight no chaser.  Consider their response (don't live or die by it, but do consider it).
3. Listen to your gut not your heart. If something is pinching you and the initial thought is "Can I trust him" then you probably can't.
4. Be honest with your desires. Are you looking to renew the commitment or mess up some sheets? Whatever the goal, share your sentiment with your EX.  If you intend to move forward with tampering with your past, don't forget to set some boundaries.

For some odd reason, I've spoken or ran into five Ex's over the last six weeks (don't ask...lol). With each encounter (all but one) there was an attempt/suggestion by them to go to dinner, movie or at least meet for drinks.  I had to respectfully decline although one was pretty damn tempting, I must say.  With each conversation something triggered my inner voice to rise up and say "Hell NO!" So I'm listening.  When I realistically reflect on these past relationships, I can find fault on both sides. More them than me of course. None were abusive, Thank God but just not worth returning to the scene of the crime.


Keep in mind the final decision is yours. Only you know if the stroll down memory lane will be worth the journey. For me  Nah...I'll take my chance with the future.

Moving on to next one while looking for my next EX!

BigGirlz, you survived  V-day…

Well single BigGirlz, we did it! We survived the dreaded Valentine’s Day!!! I know it was rough for some but you made it, even if it took a tub of ice cream, half a pizza and a dozen or so of chocolate chip cookies, we lived!  For those who blew the day off as another “hump day eve", you are to be commended. For the rest of us who found watching what seemed to be an endless barrage of balloon and flower deliveries annoying and downright depressing, this rant is for you. 

For us singles, BigGirl or not, V-day can be a strain to the heart.  There’s a tendency to internalize the “so what the hell is wrong with me” or “when will my turn come” question.  Sistas of the thick never give up hope.  First of all we have to love ourselves. (yeah yeah, I know what I sound like). Beyond that it’s all a process.  Yes it would have been nice to receive a gift from someone special but keep in mind many women that have a significant other were still greeted with an empty box. 

So, what to do, keep on living.  Find ways to bring joy to someone else’s life.  Next year, purchase a box of valentine hearts, you know the kind you use to give out when you were a child, and randomly give them to strangers you pass on the street, especially if he’s cute. Sneak one in someone shopping cart at the local grocery store.  Leave one on a coworker’s desk and sign it as their mystery admirer.  Decorate your personal space.  Find little ways to smile. Before you realize it, those smile become giggles that will transform your head and your heart.  That one time “woe is me” will become a “damn that was fun”. 

Try it.  What do you have to lose other than a couple of bucks and a bad attitude? 

 
Moving on to the next one with a hand full of 50% off cards from Wal-Mart to use next year…

Big Girlz, dating is a trip…

I not long ago read excerpts from a book called Red Flags by C.Tracy Lightsey.  You can check it out yourself at www.redflagthebook.com.  It was quite an interesting read. It made me reflect on a recent dating experience I had. The more I think about it, I can’t help but wonder, “Ladies do we send mixed signals that create ‘green flags’ in the minds of the men we date?” Did I give him the idea that getting “naked” was an acceptable move for him to make. (LOL)

You be the judge…

·         I complimented him on his attire and how absolutely great he smelled

o   I’m a firm believer in giving credit where it is due. Hey he looked great and smelled even better. It was a refreshing change to go on a date with someone who wore something other than a throwback jersey and sneakers. 

·         After dinner, I agreed to watch movies at his place

o   Well, why not? I hadn’t cleaned my house and it was a chance to see where and how he lived.

·         Agreeing to watch movies in his bedroom

o   Ok, that may have been a bad idea

 
·         Getting comfortable on his bed.

o   Damn this is getting worse by the moment…LOL

·         Taking off my sweater

o   Yep that may have been misinterpreted. It definitely could have been seen as an attempt to be more appealing.  Seriously my damn sweater was bulky so I just took it off. (Won’t do that again!)

What the Hell…when you put it all together, yep maybe I did send mix signals. Trust and believe that was not the intension.  I guess I need to go back to my old blunt ways and declare before the date “We will not be screwing this evening!” That will at least give him the opportunity to change the place, itinerary or even more severe, stand me up!  Ya gotta love it!

Fully clothed, I’m moving on to the next one…

Big Girlz, how you do what you do…

Big Girlz, how you do what you do…

I experienced the most interesting weekend. It is amazing to me the things I see when in various environments. Side note: ladies if you dress like a whore and are approached in a disrespectful manner, why do you get angry? Granted no man (or woman depending your preference) has the right to touch you inappropriately; however if you advertise sex, don’t trip if you’re propositioned. I’m just saying…

Ok, I digressed.

A couple of weekends ago, I gained some very useful insight on male/female interaction.  Big Girlz it really doesn’t matter what size you are or even how you are “viewed” by society in general. It’s really all about your attitude.  I love to people watch and what I observed on this particular weekend was both average and Big Girlz making connections and hooking up. Confidence is a sexy and attractive trait. It’s so obvious.  I observed some very attractive men openly flirting with Big Girlz all over the place.  Hell I had to shake off a couple myself. LOL…These Girlz donned a look and walk that flipped heads and instantly evoked smiles. I loved it.  Speaking from my own experience OMG, I met some fine ass men. From young and sexy to seasoned and gorgeous, the spectrum I tell ya. 

The point of all this, choose your moment don’t wait for it to choose you.  It’s not always about finding “Mr. Right”, sometimes it’s about enjoying “Mr. Right Now”.

Break out your confident swag. Own it and wear it like that one pair of jeans you know you look good in.  Work that moment, don’t be scared.  When you string them together they can create one Hell of an experience.

Moment by moment moving on to the next one…